An Introduction to the Roomba

In light of the sudden explosion of social activities, Zelly and I had a rather low-key Halloween. Instead of getting in costume and prowling for candy, we did the responsible thing: Cleaned, sorted, and swapped summer clothes with warm winter ones.

As I picked the Roomba up off its charging dock, Zelly hopped onto my shoulder to see what I was doing. "What's that?" he inquired.

"This is a Roomba. Engineered by Hell's Robotic Division, it is the oficial vacuum of the damned. It preys upon human flesh, and sometimes it screams like Peter Murphy in the middle of the night. The Roomba is, in a word, evil. In three words, it's pure, unadulterated evil. You'd be best to stay away from it. I don't want to have to bury you in the pet cemetery."

Oblivious to my numerous pop culture references and stern warning, he asked if he could ride it. Apparently, he wanted to show the Roomba that it's not the most evil thing in existence. Figuring that Zelly could keep its attention away from chasing me around the room in its usual fashion, I cautiously obliged.

After violently throwing him off, the Roomba decided to wedge itself underneath my bed. I hate when it does that most of all.

Zelly started whining that the Roomba wouldn't pay attention to him anymore, so I gave him a new toy to play with.

I had crocheted that octopus sometime during the summer, and it had fallen behind my bed at some point. It was enough to distract Zelly for the rest of the afternoon, and he's been sleeping with it at night. I still haven't figured out if that's adorable or slightly disturbing.

Cthulhu for America

HI. I HAVE LEARNED THAT MANY OF YOU HUMANS ARE REQUESTING EITHER MY FATHER OR OTHER MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY RUN FOR PRESIDENT. I DON'T KNOW WHY SINCE DAD WOULDN'T FIX ROADS, LOWER TAXES, OR REFORM ANYTHING. IN FACT, HE WOULD JUST EAT EVERYBODY. 

EVEN IF HE -- OR ANY OF US -- WANTED TO CAMPAIGN, WE COULDN'T. AS FEARSOME AND POWERFUL AS WE ARE, WE STILL CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION (OTHER THAN DEVOUR IT). SINCE WE WERE NOT BORN IN THE UNITED STATES,  WE WOULDN'T BE ELIGIBLE. WE WEREN'T EVEN BORN IN THIS DIMENSION. THE CONSTITUTION DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT OTHER DIMENSIONS, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S IMPLIED.

BUT THAT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN NOTICING -- THAT A LOT OF AMERICAN HUMANS DON'T UNDERSTAND THEIR CONSTITUTION OR HOW IT WORKS. THAT BRINGS ME TO MY MAIN POINT: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GREAT THIS IS FOR US CTHULHUS.

THERE'S A MOVEMENT IN THIS COUNTRY THAT CALLS THEMSELVES THE TEA PARTY. THAT'S VERY NICE BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A TEA PARTY WITH THESE TEA PARTIERS. WITH SCONES AND BLOOD AND LOTS OF SCREAMING. BECAUSE THAT'S USUALLY HOW MY TEA PARTIES END UP. I AM NOT VIOLENT BY NATURE, BUT I DO GENERALLY LIKE EATING PEOPLE.

I ALSO LIKE THE FACT THAT IF THEY GET THEIR WAY, THE QUALITY OF HUMANS WILL INCREASE. FOR INSTANCE, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY: BACK IN THE MIDDLE AGES, EVERYTHING SUCKED. ALL OF YOU HUMANS WERE DYING FROM ALL KINDS OF DISEASES, MAKING YOU NEARLY INEDIBLE. SINCE THE MAJORITY OF YOUR CHILDREN WOULD DIE, THERE WASN'T VERY MUCH MEAT TO GO AROUND. OH, AND YOU SMELLED REALLY BAD AND WOULD STINK UP THE HOUSE, AND THEN DAD WOULD HAVE TO SPRAY A BUNCH OF LYSOL, AND THAT WOULD GIVE ME A HEADACHE. THOSE WERE DARK DAYS OF CUISINE, LET ME TELL YOU.

SINCE NOBODY READ BOOKS OR COULD EVEN WRITE OR WERE SCHOOLED ON HOW TO THINK ABOUT THINGS CRITICALLY, NOBODY KNEW ABOUT US. NOBODY COULD EVEN IMAGINE. THAT LED TO SOME REALLY FUNNY INCIDENTS. BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME.

SO, EVEN THOUGH THE TEA PARTIERS WILL EVENTUALLY TAKE US BACK TO THESE DARK DAYS, THERE ARE ADVANTAGES. FOR INSTANCE, THE INFANT MORTALITY RATE WILL INCREASE. THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE EATING BABIES. I LIKE MY HUMANS TO BE CRUELTY-FREE. SOME OF YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT VEAL. OH, AND THERE WON'T BE A LOT OF SICKLY PEOPLE SINCE THEY CAN'T PAY TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. BUT THAT WON'T MATTER BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW MEDICINES. THAT'S ON ACCOUNT OF SCIENCE COMING TO A HALT, WHICH WOULD LEAVE A LOT OF SCIENTISTS UNEMPLOYED. TASTEFULLY UNEMPLOYED.

SINCE THEY WOULD CUT GOVERNMENT SERVICES, THE ROADS WOULD FALL INTO RUIN. NOBODY COULD GO ANYWHERE, WHICH MAKES DEVOURING A CITY REALLY EASY.

BUT THE TEA PARTIERS WOULD BE REALLY TASTY. DID YOU KNOW THEY CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE? THEY CAN! THAT'S FUN! THEY KNOW THAT THEY'LL NEVER GET SICK OR EAT CONTAMINATED FOOD, THUS ELIMINATING THE NEED FOR HEALTHCARE REFORM AND GOVERNMENT SERVICES LIKE THE FDA. SO, THEY'RE PRACTICALLY GUARANTEEING THAT THEY'LL BE A WORTHY MEAL. MAYBE I'LL SAVE THEM FOR LAST.

THEY ALSO LIKE CORPORATIONS A WHOLE BUNCH. I KIND OF LIKE CORPORATIONS, TOO, BECAUSE THEY'RE A LOT LIKE MY DAD: HUGE, HUNGRY, AND PRACTICALLY UNSTOPPABLE. 

I AM FORMALLY TELLING YOU AMERICAN HUMANS TO VOTE FOR TEA PARTY CANDIDATES. THIS WILL MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER. I KNOW THE PHRASE "YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY" IS PRACTICALLY CLICHE AT THIS POINT, BUT YOU REALLY WOULDN'T. TRUST ME ON THIS -- A CTHULHU HAS NO REASON TO LIE TO YOU ABOUT THESE THINGS.

MAY MY FATHER HOLD YOU IN HIS PALM BEFORE DIGESTING YOU. THANK YOU AND (ELDER) GOD BLESS.

This message has been approved by Campaign of Cthulhus for Human Consumption.